What the F! (and other consonants)

Shamus has turned over a new leaf. Well, if I’m honest, I’ve been forced to. The boys in the office have been having a go at me for swearing all the time and it’s been made clear that Shamus has to stop.

Maybe I’m just trying to justify things, or ease the pain a little, but you know, the more I thought about it, the more I decided they were right. Now look, I’m not saying that this isn’t all political and stuff. I know that getting a nice big fat record contract from some multi-billion dollar company may depend on not putting too many f’s in the wrong place, especially if it’s run by Christian fundamentalists who’d like to shove all non-believers down some dark hole somewhere. But this is missing the finer points of the argument.

I think it was Karl Marx who said that religion was the opium of the masses. I guess some people feel the same about T.V. Out of the three, I’ll take the opium every time. Which reminds me of this den in Wapping back in the old days, but more of that another time. The thing is, I’m a radio addict. Now, it’s funny that you don’t get any, well hardly any, swearing on the radio, especially if you compare it with T.V.

I have to admit that I’ve watched a few T.V. programmes over the past few weeks and got really fed up with all the swearing. I know that sounds absurd coming from me, but I got so bored with Gordon Ramsey effing and blinding all over the place and trying to fxxk (sorry!) everyone into submission. I mean look, anyone whose dad has won the world cup for England has to have a few brownie points, but I think he used them all up a long time ago.

It seems to old Shamus that we need a few new words to express ourselves when we’re not in the best of moods. I remember those grainy black and white programmes back in the fifties, when dismay, annoyance, or whatever, was expressed with words like “crikey!”, “hells bells!”, “oh fiddlesticks!” or “bother!” Well, if Billy Bunter could use these words, why can’t we? There are lots more of these sayings and I think Mr Ramsey should think about using them. I’m sure he could make “crikey” sound positively sinister and increase his viewing figures at the same time.

It’s clear folks, the expletives in current use have come to the end of their useful life and we need some replacements. Instead of saying “fuck off”, couldn’t we say “I think you should jolly well go” or something like that? True, they’re both shocking, but the second has a more sarcastic edge to it. Instead of Robbie Coltrane saying “I don’t give a fxxk”, couldn’t he say “I don’t give a fig”? You have to agree that the second one’s fruitier. And what are figs good for anyway? A bit of lateral thinking is needed.

So everyone, what do you think? Write and let Shamus know if you have some lexical wonders that would shock everyone, or maybe some words you’ve made up. I’m told there’s a prize for the best three emails.